Fitz: This just in–Your crockpot of headline humor for the day

This just in:

A 15-foot 1-ton monster “Gator” caught in Alabama made headlines around the world. Big deal. Our Gila Monsters make that sucker look like a newt.

Especially the ones by the Palo Verde Nuclear plant.

Lake Mead is at a historic low. It’s so shallow it’s getting a Hollywood talk show.

The long-term drought is predicted to hit Arizona agriculture hard. First the bad news: The only fruit that farmers will be permitted to grow here will be prickly pears. The good news? At least they don’t have pits.

Forensic evidence shocker: Michael Brown’s body had enough bullet holes for the Ferguson coroner to connect the dots with a marker and spell out the word “R-A-C-I-S-M”.

America needs to deal with it’s inner Ferguson.

Fun Facts! Missouri is the exact corner of America that spawned a young sportscaster named Rush Limbaugh, a paranoid radio studio hermit who popularized snickering racism as an acceptable white conservative value.

Our Surgeon General says skin cancer is on the rise and that tanned skin is damaged skin. It’s time for we Tucsonans to  give up on tanning and foster pasty white pride.

Israeli veterans of Gaza will be advising the Missouri National Guard on the military occupation of Ferguson. They suggest drones.

Tragic headline: Announcer Don Pardo, Saturday Night Dead at 96.

Fitzwire Headline of the week: Robo-cop refuses Ferguson assignment, “Cyborg presence an unnecessary provocation”.

Lake Mead is so shallow it’s changing its name to Lake Paris Hilton.

It hasn’t been this low since it ran out of Paxil.

Political news: Sarah Palin endorses Doug Ducey, “He can see Mexico from his back porch up there in Scottsdale.”

Ferguson update: Ukrainian peacekeepers sent to Missouri.

The protestors have adopted a “Hands up, don’t shoot” gesture as their emblematic image. It’s a powerful way to say “Stop killing us”. Looking good, America!

Missouri is the “show me” state.They’re revising their motto. “Show me what’s under the hood.”

Missouri, I just want to say Thanks for taking the heat off “But it’s a dry hate ” Arizona for a while. Gracias.

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