Fitz: 12 Thoughts on the Arizona Vote

August 27, 2014 8:00 am  • 

David Fitzsimmons

  1. Congratulations to all the winners of Arizona’s 2014 primary: The writers of Comedy Central’s Daily Show and every late show monologue writer in America.
  2. Doug Ducey, the Republican nominee for Governor is Sarah Palin’s first choice too! “He can see Mexico from his back porch in Scottsdale.”
  3. Doug is the Stone Cold Creamery guy. His favorite flavor is “mud pie”. You’ll see a lot of it in the general campaign.
  4. How to make a “Doug Ducey”: 1 scoop of Pure Vanilla, 2 scoops of Koch Brothers Green Mint, in a Waffle Cone, 1 dollop of Whipped Tea Party Cream, and 1 generous sprinkling of nuts (Sarah Palin and Joe Arpaio) sprinkled on top. Warning: Watch out for brain freeze!
  5. Mitch McConnell and the Republican leadership have promised the Koch brothers gridlock, government shutdown, the defunding of Obamacare, the scuttling of any minimum wage increase, the gutting of financial regulations and the strangulation of the EPA in exchange for chump change. Elect these stooges and nothing will change and you, the voters, are the chumps. The Tea Party and the Koch Brothers and their dark money are backing Martha McSally,Doug Ducey and every Republican state legislative candidate.
  6. The fact the G.O.P. rejected a fine proven, intelligent candidate like the Mayor of Mesa, Scott Smith, tells you the Tea Party goobers, the Ayn Rand kooks and the anti-immigrant yahoos are still running the Arizona circus in 2014. They chose Ducey as their ringmaster. I’d compare them to clowns but that would be unfair. Clowns do not hurt children.
  7. Fred DuVal is the calm Democratic candidate. Calm’s an understatement. The man is Woodrow Wilson without the zip and zing. Fred makes Al Gore look zany.
  8. Tonight’s Mexican-American Study Lesson: Repitame, por favor— “Hasta la vista, Huppenthal y Horne. Vaya con Dios, cabrones.”
  9. News Headline: Plucky Martha McSally to take on the KFC guy, it’s the Captain vs the Colonel
  10. Grijalva will be facing Gabby Mercer, a Tea Party martian, again. Does the right in this state have anything to offer besides bizarre conspiracy theorists? This just in: The last sane elephant in in Arizona was just born at Reid Park zoo.
  11. Look for outside dark money (Koch, Rove) to dump millions on smearing Fred DuVal starting….stop watches at the ready? Go!
  12. Christine Jones, check out this website: See ya’. $5 million of her own money down the drain that could have funded scholarships or a non-profit to assist the poor. Just sayin’.

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